The Five-Minute Guide to Fatherhood

There are a million kinds of good fathers, but only a handful of rules.

They said it couldn’t be done. Fatherhood is too complicated, they cried, to be reduced to capsule form. But the complexity only added intrigue to my search for guiding paternal principles. Herewith, on behalf of all God’s children and the men who love them, the Ten Commandments of Dad.

1. Hey, Dad, Be Big

Big in spirit, that is. Granted some of that patriarchal stuff is withering, but fatherhood is still a star turn. Consider just a few of the guys who have gone before you — The Founding Fathers, Father Time, even God, the Father. The kids expect some stature from you. You can’t give this role a walk-through. You’ve got to play it.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you can choose any old vivid persona. After all, Genghis Khan was plenty vivid, and I’ve got to believe his kids had a hard road. But you can’t be a blank slate either. The kids ought to know what the old man would think about this or that. You’re the anvil on which they hammer out their deal with the world. Be a presence in their lives, but….

2. Hey, Dad, Be Small

Yes, this directly contradicts the first commandment. I told you, fatherhood is complicated. You want easy? Try rocket science. Don’t be so big that you suck all the air out of the room. Give your kids a little space to move around in, to test their thoughts and strengths. Take a back seat, figuratively speaking, three or four times a week. Say, “Maybe.’ Say, “I don’t know.” Now and then, tell the kids you’re sorry. There are plenty of things to apologize for: anger, inattention, bad career planning, lack of whatever. Mean it. Be sorry. You’ll feel brand new.

3. Hey, Dad, Come Home

No question, the obligations of making a living can a guy out of the house. Lots of fathers have a day job and a night job. If that’s your situation, God bless you, pal. You’ll get no heat from me. But if you can pay the bills without working double-shift, you’ve got to be home when you can. You don’t have to be playing catch all the time or even talking to the kids. But at least, be present. Get off the golf course. Head home. Nothing good can happen until you do.

4. Honor Thy Father and Mother

This is actually the biblical fifth commandment. It’s included here only because now that I’m one of the people getting the honoring, I like the sound of it much better than I did when I was a boy.

5. Bob and Weave, Dad, Bob and Weave

Stay light on your feet, Dad. Don’t make too many hard and fast rules. Don’t draw too many lines in the sand. This doesn’t mean anything goes; there are rules. Kids need a sense that they’re not in charge. It just means that fatherhood is an improvisation and that human hearts — both yours and the children’s — have a way with compromise. Don’t insist on having your way with the kids just because the rest of the world isn’t always overly interested in the sound of your voice. There is a difference between authority and power. Have the first; don’t abuse the second.

6. Thou Shalt Not Dance in Front of Your Kids’ Friends

I need to vent about something that happened decades ago. Once upon a time, my father picked us up at a junior high school dance. As usual, he was wearing his wingtip shoes and that hat he got through the mail from Ireland. As we were walking out of the gym, he actually did a few seconds of the hully-gully with a horrified Margie Costanzo. I still have nightmares about it. If you’ve got to dance, dance with Mom in private. Don’t embarrass everybody with your version of the Hustle.

7. Save Your Money, Big Man

You know all those corny proverbs about pennies saved? If you’re not careful, the kids will send you to the poorhouse three dollars and twenty-nine cents at a time. Think college tuition. Think down-payment on their starter homes. Though it’s true that money can’t buy happiness, it can buy lots of other stuff. Believe in compound interest, tax-free growth. For God’s sake, champ, be ready for emergencies.

8. Spend Your Money, Tightwad

You see what I’m after here, don’t you? F. Scott Fitzgerald said the sign of a first-rate mind was the ability to have two opposite opinions at the same time. Never mind that he fell victim to drink. You’re a first-rate mind, Dad. If you’ve got the money, pop for the musical princess crown. What are you saving your money for, pal? College? Hah! You can’t possibly save enough. There is the future, and then there is now. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is it.

9. Never Miss a Chance to Go an Amusement Park Ride with the Word `Whirl’ in its Name.

Many summers ago, I rode with my son on some gravity-defying thrill ride somewhere in upstate New York. I’ve been a little queasy ever since. My balance has been just a tad off. I can’t turn my head to the left. I have a whisper of a lisp I didn’t have pre-ride. Still, no regrets. Share what you can.

10. This is Their Life, Not a Second Chance at Yours

I can’t say it any better than eminent psychiatrist, Bruno Bettelheim: “We become upset when we believe we see in a child aspects of our own personalities of which we disapprove.” Bang! On the money! It’s tempting to make good on your own shortcomings through your children. Just because you didn’t make the varsity at North Salem High that doesn’t mean Stan Jr. has to. Help them follow their own path, not your road-not-taken.

11. Love Their Mother

One extra commandment. Hug Mom. Often. In front of the kids. Sure, sometimes marriages end, but the obligation to a woman doesn’t. Be grateful to her. Speak to her with respect. Try to make her laugh. Listen. Even if you guys aren’t married anymore, figure out how to love her.

Fatherhood comes down to this. Be big. Be small. Be quiet, make noise. Don’t dance in front of your kids’ friends. Save. Spend. Risk your central nervous system. And love their mother. And one other thought, courtesy of Thoreau, about our guy tendency to value the wrong tools. “The weapons with which we have gained our most important victories, which should be handed down from father to son, are not the sword and the lance, but the bushwhack, the turf-cutter, the spade and the bog-hoe.” The triumphs of Dad are about tenacity, keeping on.

So do whatever it takes. Stay loose. Use all the clubs in the bag. Hit the ball to all fields. Use whatever sports metaphor works for you. Just be sure to use your whole body, your voice, your memory, everything you’ve got. Whisper. Shout. Encourage. Goad. Cultivate the garden. Forgive. Be patient. Watch closely. Enjoy.

Excerpt from A Man Called Daddy, published by Thomas Nelson. Available for purchase here.