How to Raise a Daughter

Congratulations, it’s a girl!

Before my daughter was born, I thought I was quite the feminist. But within moments of her birth, I got a wake-up call.

As I cradled the minutes-old child in my arms, I flashed quickly forward, imagining her at 6, at 9, then heading off to high school. When I actually had a father-of-the-bride moment about a child who was four minutes old, I knew I was not exactly highly-evolved about gender equity. I had a long way to go. Clearly, these delivery-room feelings were different from the ones I’d had three years earlier while welcoming my son. With my boy, I’d leaped ahead to sharing stuff with him: Fenway at dusk, a kayak at dawn, the skirt steak at Smith & Wollensky. But in the scenes from the future with my girl, I was less a partner than a protector. I was her Lancelot.

Hmmm…. Sexist after all.

I’m open to either of the extreme ideas about gender: 1) that its bio-imperatives are real and potent; or 2) that it is, like race, a myth, overhyped to exalt some folks, the guys, over others, the girls. My hunch is that the secret to raising happy kids, whatever it might be, is gender-free. I’m sure of only two things: first, that once you have a daughter, you’ll become a feminist, alert to any whiff of a patriarchy that might put baby in a corner. And second, that having a daughter is just too great an opportunity to let sexism -– yours or the culture’s -– keep you from savoring every sweet drop of being her dad. I hope these thoughts will help make sure you both have access to it all.

You’re not her mother

Your daughter will look to you for an unmeasured enthusiasm, one without that frisson of reserve -– or is it judgment? -– that sometimes emanates from even the best moms. That doesn’t mean she can do no wrong; your relationship with her has to be authentic. But try to create the feeling that any complaints are just temporary static over the symphony of “Dad is plain nuts about you.”

You think she’s lovely

Of course, beauty shouldn’t matter. But we live in a flawed world where it does. Whether or not your daughter is a beauty by the narrow standards that rule the day, it’s important that she knows you think she’s beautiful. Don’t try to sell the idea, and whatever you do, don’t suggest that everybody thinks she’s beautiful. Messing with kids’ realities is always a bad idea. But try, as subtly as you can, to let her know that her daddy thinks she’s a pretty girl -– not that there’s anything important about that.

You think she’s much more than lovely

The male tendency to judge women, even our daughters, by their looks is deep-seated and tough to get over. Though saying “You look great” as she heads off to school may sound like an endorsement, it also endorses the idea that her beauty is her trump card. Make fewer comments about her hair and more about her kindness or math skills or wit. Help her appreciate all of her powers.

You love that song, too.

Just as a couple has “their song,” a father and daughter should also have one. Not a love song, to be sure, but an inspiring, ain’t-life-great anthem, preferably performed by women, but hey, we’re not gender-biased here. Singing along is a tie that binds. Find an exuberant off-the-beaten track song to claim as yours. Make it something that only a few people know. Sample Glen Hansard’s ‘Winning Streak.’ It has possibilities.

You’re a fan.

Nowadays, dads have sports as great father-daughter common ground. If she’s enthused about soccer or field hockey, become Fan №1. But if your girl isn’t interested in all that sweating, find something else to share with her: going to movies, hiking, eating pancakes, a favorite author, bike rides into town. You dig what she digs, whether it’s her new shoes or the party she went to last night. Not everything, mind you -– above all, a girl wants a father who’s a grown man, with the interests of same -– but she needs to feel that you hear her.

You have strength to spare.

A man’s confidence about the future is valuable to a girl–even if it’s phony. No, make that especially if it’s phony. Everything’s going to be all right. Make her believe it.

You can be quiet.

Girls bring a lot of emotion to situations that, to us, may seem like nothing much. Sometimes you may be tempted to cheer them up by minimizing the seriousness of what Janey said in homeroom or what Katie did at lunch. Don’t. Sympathize, but don’t revise. If you’re gentle with your daughter’s feelings when she’s small, you’ll be useful to her when she’s a teenager. She’ll feel safe confiding in you, and that’s what you want.

You think she can fix it.

Do whatever you can to help your girl understand that machines and gadgets and tools are very much in her ambit. This translates into a broader sense of her agency in her life, a sense that she’s in charge. Best case: When you’re old and arthritis-ridden, she’ll tune your vintage Mustang for you. Worst case: You get some extra time with her when you score some wiper blades.

You buy jewels.

Yes, it’s sexist, outdated, you name the adjective. But it’s also nice when Dad takes the time to pick out something he thinks his girl-child might like.

You don’t do sexism.

Though it’s vital to keep as much sexist media junk as possible out of the house, it’s also a losing battle. But you have to refuse to be complicit. If you’re channel surfing with the kids, don’t just sit there while some sexist foolishness is played out on screen. Though sexy ain’t necessarily sexist — Queen Bey is no victim — it often is. You’ll know the poisonous stuff when you see it. And if you just sit there through it, it’s a de facto endorsement. No need to make any big outraged deal about it -– though I’m down with it if you want to -– but either 1) just ask the kids to click over to check the score of the Pistons game, or 2) just get up and go talk to Mom about what color she wants you to paint the shutters. The kids will get your point. If your adolescents mock you, wear their derision proudly -– as though it were The Silver Star. Hey, Dad doesn’t diminish women! Years from now, your daughter will thank you, as will any man lucky enough to get even a moment of her attention.

You honor her mother.

Experts agree that a girl’s future relationships with men are often shaped by both her relationship with her father and her father’s relationships with other women. In simple, broad-brush terms, girls who are treated disrespectfully and/or see their mothers being treated disrespectfully sometimes come to tolerate that kind of treatment from future boyfriends, husbands, even male colleagues. If the bar gets set low early, it can have repercussions throughout her life. Your little girl is learning a lot about relationships from watching how you treat her mom. There is probably nothing better a man can do for his daughter than to respect her mother, even if, make that especially if, Mom is the ex.

Our daughters summon our best. Nobody will overlook our shortcomings more reliably or exaggerate our charms more often. As surely as our sons will help us down off that pedestal, our girls will prop us up. Their hope in us makes it a mortal sin to let our girls down.

So, after you’ve purged yourself of all sexist thoughts, deploy a few rooted-in-patriarchy Dad moves. Buy her flowers from time to time. Send her a card or note. Be impressed by her. Write something brief that hints at your big, passionate feelings about her, something that makes it crystal clear that she has a champion, a Lancelot, though she most definitely does not need one.

This article originally appeared in Best Life magazine.